Ode to Rock Biter

Allow me to introduce you to one of the best characters you can ever hope to be. He is a thing which will not only enrich your life, but encompasses all that is good in almost every hero you've ever played. He's Rock Biter from The Never Ending Story, and I want to play as him in a video game.

There are so many wonderful things to say about  Rock Biter it's hard to know where you begin. First off, he eats rocks. This is not only  immeasurably awesome, but also ensures that he will never -ever- starve to death. The enemy can shoot you up into space and you can eat meteors. The enemy can tie you up in a dungeon and you can eat the fucking walls! Rock Biter will just tear through that shit like Octomom through a welfare check.  You think Hawk from Dragon Age 2 can survive for a week in a dungeon with no food or water? Fuck no. He or she will be crying like a bitch. When Rock Biter cries, rocks come out and people die.

And that's even if your enemies can get you in a dungeon because Rock Biter is goddamned HUGE. This makes Rock Biter better than Mario. Turtles? Squished! Koopa Troopa's? Sqeezed! Dry Bones? Crushed! Bob-omb's? Rock Biter shoves Bob-omb's up his ass like prophylactics. He shoves them right up his rocky ass and two days later a shell casing comes out.

Bob-ombs? DISSOLVED!

And Rock Biter isn't even doing it to save no Princess. Fuck no. Rock Biter may have 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. When he's done turning Bowser  into his own personal love doll, and injected his lifeless corpse with his own brew of mud-love goo from his rock-worm, he just gets on his stone tricycle and moves on down the road.

Which brings us to the final reason the Rock Biter is better than any other video game character. He rides a goddamned, mother fucking, rock tricycle. After Rock Biter is done crushing, squishing and biting for the day he wants to be comfortable, and nothing says comfort and style like a stone tricycle.  It's obviously the most pimp thing you can ride. Rock Biter isn't weighed down by the expectations of society. No Sir, he has pride son. Rock Biter is his own man.

If only the rest of us could find the power and resolve to reach into ourselves and find just a small part of what makes Rock Biter so wonderful. Sadly, we are nothing but leech-puke in a puddle of ass soup when standing next to the awe and wonder which is he. Be it far from us to even expect him to look upon us as living things. Rather, his very gaze should give us hope, and shower us with joy before he crushes us underneath the wheels of his mighty stone steed. Only then, in those brief moments as our eyes meet his, will we find joy.