Joseph’s Best Gaming Moments of 2010

This past year seemed to last forever, so much so that our 2009 awards show now inhabits a distant memory that could easily have been at least three years back. And if you look at 2010’s gaming lineup there certainly were enough big titles to fill that time.  This year I was turned on by Bayonetta, given vertigo by Just Cause 2, entertained by DeathSpank, enraged by Comic Jumper, and left with sadness in Heavy Rain.  There were a lot of good moments to be had, so join me on this small journey, this retrospective, this eulogy for the Best Gaming Moments of 2010.

Bayonetta’s Sexual Poses (Bayonetta)

Bayonetta brought a whole new meaning to the word MILF, changing it from its more common usage to a “Mom I’d Like to FIGHT.”  If she wasn’t showing off her multitude of fighting moves and magical attacks she was entrancing you with her sexual prowess, lulling you with her undulating teases and bowling you over with the strength of her massive womanhood.  Her ability to taunt enemies with titillating poses provided hours (in 10 minute intervals) of entertainment, mostly when she wasn’t fighting anyone at all.  We should have known that something was up when high quality renders of Bayonetta’s butt appeared on the web as a marketing angle.

In 2010, mixing sexy styling’s with a strong sense of womanhood and self identity, Bayonetta proved herself to be the definitive heroine.  The character girls could look up to, and woman men wanted to look down at.

Kazuma Kiryu Gets Raped (Yakuza 3)

Given all of his connections and fighting abilities there is still one thing that Kazuma was unable to escape in Yakuza 3. That was the undying love of another man. Sure, Kazuma had spent time in prison. But in that atmosphere one knows what they are in for.  Not to say that it’s necessarily invited, but it certainly expected. One can gear themselves up for it.  The same does not bode for being on the streets of Japan, and Kazuma learned the hard way never to let his guard down.

Let’s just all hope that the experience made Kazuma a better man…a more tolerant man. Maybe he can take those lessons and teach others.

Press X to Jason (Heavy Rain)

Oh if only parenting could be so easy. I myself am a man without children, if you would like to know why then you need to look no further than the beginning mall scene in Heavy Rain. A tired, sexless, father feeling the overwhelming burden of raising a family must now run through a crowded mall looking after his goddamned no-good son. And this is AFTER he bought the little brat a red balloon from a scary clown.

If I were the developer I would have had a “Press x to vasectomy” at the very beginning of the game. If you press X, words appear on the screen.

“Good choice, you win. Game over.

-David Cage”

Now that would be a game I could get behind.

“F…K, in the coffee.” (Deadly Premonition)

2010 was a banner year. Not just because it brought us some great games, but because it also brought us what is irrefutably the best cut scene of all time.

Deadly Premonition was the sleeper hit of 2010. Pushed heavily by independent outfits like Destructoid and us here at 4Player, and bashed mercilessly by IGN and larger gaming sites.  Appreciating Deadly Premonition came not very trying to find some technological base for it’s greatness but in appreciating the self aware parodying and the general license to be happily bizarre which it flaunted at every opportunity. If a game is that which entertains, then Deadly Premonition provided that in spades.

Watching just that cut scene is like watching Andy Kaufman comedy or a Harmony Korine movie. The lines of what is real and what is not become completely blurred. Does the sound go off because of a bug in the game or did they mean to do that? It’s almost unknowable but completely hilarious every time it does it.

First Person Pentagon Hallucinations (Call of Duty: Black Ops)

What seemed to be a fairly standard shooter completely went off it’s rocker in the final parts of Call of Duty: Black Ops. It was a moment where a developer clearly unchained themselves from the conventions of the series and wanted to add something new to the experience.

As your character fumbles through the Pentagon in first person, he experiences hallcinations made up of old news footage, the architecture of the building changing, the roof exploding and a giant rocket taking off overhead.  It was a moment that came out of nowhere and seemed like a breath of fresh air in a game that was, up to that point, mostly corridor shooter. At that moment Treyarch showed that they could not only take over the series but they could also do something special and different with it. Let’s hope the series continues to move in that direction.

Monster Nipple Babies (Dante’s Inferno)

Though it used a familiar combat system, Dante’s Inferno certainly gave you some visually interesting places to use it in.  And in breaking one of the newer “video game rules” the game allows you to kill children. Baby’s specifically. Monster baby’s that come crawling out of giant nipples to be really specific.

What would be probably unbaptised babies, so therefore in hell through no fault of their own other than just being generally loud, annoying and smelly, are chopped down by the 10’s as Dante’s works his way to the safety of his one love.  I would imagine to, presumably, have babies of their own and baptize them as fast as possible.

Innocent babies never had it so rough.

Zany gets all the balls (The Kinect Family)

In the middle of the year Microsoft allowed a journalist and his family to try out the yet-unreleased Kinect (then called NATAL). A video camera was used to catch the action and what transpired can only be described as the most embarrassing thing to happen to video games since Atari’s E.T. and the movie The Wizard.

Watch as the effeminate man and the so cliché’ 40-something mom dance around like complete jackasses and try to get their disinterested children to “get all the balls.”  Look upon them and star into everything that is wrong with our middle America.

Microsoft has recently announced that 8 million balls have been gotten since the Kinects launch.

Shadow rips out a man’s crotch (Dead to Rights: Retribution)

Largely forgotten, Dead to Rights was a decent game with some good mechanics.  What most of us loved were the moments where you could be the Dog, Shadow, and we lamented that the game was not more like a modern day Okami. An Okami that could rip out the genitals and throats of his adversaries.

From ripping out crotches and throats, to capturing and chasing down scent, and hiding in the darkness to strike at said genitals, we just wanted more of Shadow and less of everything else.

The Mile High Club (Just Cause 2)

Days can get pretty rough.  After flying a jet, jumping out, hitting your parachute, landing on a car, stealing that car and ramming it into an enemy position, killing a few guys, grappling to the top of the enemies building, jumping off again, stealing a helicopter in midair and then going home, a guy want to unwind.  What better way to do that then going to a floating sex club!

The Mile High Club traverses around the world of Just Cause 2, almost always available or in sight, for those times when a guy needs a little action.  The club boasts all the amenities a man could want. Alcohol, hidden money, guns, woman and men. Why leave at all?  Well probably because you can get an achievement for jumping from the top of the club and hitting the ocean below.

It was a big year and I'm sure I missed a whole bunch. Do you have any Best Gaming Moments of 2010? Sound off in the comments.