The Top 5 Video Game Characters I Would Have Sex With.

Sometimes a guy needs some loving. There might be nights when I’m feeling a bit randy and I’m left with nothing but the glow of the television and the faint whir of the game console to keep me company. That’s when I get to thinking, and my imagination convulses with the wisps of sexual fantasy! But being alone during those times isn’t all bad. From my loss comes your gain. So here and now, out of those moments, I bring you this list of the top 5 video game characters I would happily defile with my seed!

1. Fyuria (Record of Agarest War)

Fyruia is the first person who makes me want to jam my flesh-shovel into her mud-pile. Small, spunky and with the body of a Kenyan runner on a diet, Fyuria is everything a woman should strive to be. Look at that frame, those creases in the upper thighs. It is empirical truth that any woman worth her weight in salt has this very thing!

You just want to oil her up and slide here down a PVC pipe directly into my bed. She starts the game as a rebellious sort, unsure of your advances. Of course it isn’t long until you can get her in a skimpy wedding dress and have all sorts of elfin ways with her.

And look at that body, those luscious creases which only serve to make her move more with greater dexterity through the darkness of my bedroom, the tight corners of my comforter, and rest firmly directly into my love bosom of ecstasy.

2. Kirby (Kirby Adventures)

Kirby is another character that makes my gamer goo-bazooka rock hard. Look at him. That smile, those eyes. Not to mention he’s just one little pink flesh ball of warm goodness. He’s like one of those male masturbation tools but with a face. And Kirby doesn’t have those inconvenient limbs to get in the way of the deed. No sir. He’s compact and ready for action in moments notice! Not only that, when you’re done with him he’s easily stored in the sock you used to clean the shame off of yourself at the end.

It’s my firm belief that King Dedede’s fascination is not one of pure hatred, but one of sexual frustration. Do you think it was any mistake that Kirby found King Dedede bathing in a fountain in Kirby's Adventures? I think not. That’s a little something called cruising, and Kirby did nothing less than emasculate King Dedede with one swift rejection.

3. Skittles the cat (Kinectamals)

This would be a violent and angry fuck. I would then turn skittles into a pair of underwear and put the head on the front in a vicious roar. Raaawr!!

4. Solid Snake

Now this is one that really gives all new meaning to “hide the snake in the bush.” Solid Snake is well known for dismissing the advances of women, but that’s only because they haven’t approached him correctly. You can’t be stripping down in your underwear at a campfire to get the snake hissing. No. If you want to capture the attention of Solid Snake it works a little more like this.

East Sepik - New Guinea
Frontforce Battalion Air Base
2100 hours

Solid Snake is motionless on the ground, his nano suit concealing him perfectly amongst the brush. As the moonlight causes the trees to send shadows dazzling over his face, the only thing you could possibly see is the reflection of the flair in his eyes at it explodes overhead.

Trouble. Snake realizes that an alarm has gone off. How could they know? But they do, and the suit sizzles out of camo as he rises from the ground and into a hunched position. Both hands are firmly gripping his hard MP-5, which is still cold from the chill of the night air.

A crack breaks through the silence, and Snake spins around to meet Joseph Christ head-on in a tackling embrace. Both men fall to the ground panting, lungs heavy with upturned dust and soil. Bits of grass and sticks splatter outward as both mean, heaving in the night air, wrestle and jostle for position. Both men embark in one great pull and with a loud shredding sound both of their shirts are torn from their bodies, their scared chests slipping against each other on a slick foundation of man-sweat.

Solid Snake’s comm. goes dead. But just before it does, Otacon hears one final sound. Something he has never heard before. A zipper followed by a deep and relieved sigh.

5. One of the bars from Pong.

Because…. (drumroll)

It would be good for playing with my balls!

BA-DISH!

I’m here all week folks.