"I Vote With My Fists!" Why Melee is > All Other Forms of Attack.

We’ve used a lot of weapons in our video games. Due to our cyber-reality escapades the breadth of our knowledge far surpasses that of a normal civilian. In fact, I would stake money that any one of us would fair immensely better in a apocalyptic situation due to our virtual training with virtual weapons.  Indeed, I kind of know how to use a Katana, and I sort of know how to reload an AK-47 due to my “training.”  And that’s a hell of a lot better than Bob the accountant will be able to do in a high stress situation.  In fact, he’ll probably be too busy crapping in his loafers and protecting is annoying, disgusting, children to do any good at all!

Bob is useless.

But of all the weapons that are available in video games, one surely surpasses them all. It's more personal than any Rogue’s dagger, manlier than any BFG-9000, and can do more damage than a Cerebral Bore at a macrocephaly convention.

[caption id="attachment_9912" align="alignright" width="320" caption="Jesus punching a motherfucker"][/caption]

It’s your FISTS!

There was a time when men were men, and these men would hit each other, not with bullets or metal things, but with other pieces of men. This was a time of great warriors whose own flesh and bone provided the cacophony of music to which destruction would dance.

But now, game developers treat men like whimpering children, afraid to get their hands dirty. They ensure that these cowardly “hero’s” not only have the most powerful gun possible, but one ensuring that they are able to be as far away as they can while dispatching whatever it is that is causing them to wet their knickers.

And as if that wasn’t enough, some of our modern “strong men” have to encase themselves in layers upon layers of steel in order to face their foes. Not like REAL men. In the old days real men would face their foes wearing nothing but a loin cloth, and even that was put on with a measly bit of string, ready to be torn asunder at a moment’s notice.  I’m sure to strike fear into the enemies heart once they saw the brilliance of that man’s genitalia and heard the *whump* sound as it hit the ground below.

I’ve noticed a particular lack of room in the crotchial region of Master Chief’s Fear-Capsule Suit haven’t you?

No, real men know how to do it.  Like Ethan Thomas from Condemned, and Little Mac.  These are the men who go to the roots of what battle is really about. And I challenge any of our modern heros to get into the ring with either of these perfect examples of walking, talking, vas deferens.