The top 5 reasons why video games are better than strip clubs

We’ve all seen them, many of us have even been gullible enough to go into them.  I’ve never been a fan of strip clubs for the very same reasons that I do not like to gamble.  You’re pretty much throwing your money away on a game that the house almost always wins.  Some men will throw dollar after dollar at some writhing harlot because somewhere in the back of their malformed minds they actually believe that if they give enough, then this female’s feigned interest will actually become true interest.

Men are stupid.

So I am here, my little Goblin Chunks, to impart the verifiable truth that video games are superior, in almost every way, to those houses of disrepute.  Hit the jump because knowing is half the battle.

Video games still look good in the light.

Strip clubs are dark places, even the stage is dark and I can tell you from experience that this is not by accident.  Sure there may be the diamond in the rough every so often, but for the most part the type of person who gets down on all fours in front of a crowd to pick up 10 one dollar bills that were thrown at her is not usually the type of person that takes care of themselves in their daily life.  It is a well known fact that the insides of strippers are a wrecked and potholed battlefield which has been torn asunder by the ravages of anorexia, bulimia, and methamphetamine usage.

At their core is a black rock of a steaming and brackish nature not unlike the chunk of pure evil at the end of Time Bandits.  In the light strippers quickly dissipate into a gnarled and bent creature who will slither into the nearest drainpipe if they are startled by any loud noises.

Video games, on the other hand, are as pure and pristine in all forms of lighting.  Ever notice how brightly lit Gamestops are? They do it so you can see, with unrivaled clarity, each perfect detail of the game you are purchasing.  There is no core of blackness, just beautiful 1’s and 0’s which have been painstakingly pieced together by your favorite video game cobbler.

Well unless it’s MercurySteam.

$60 for a video game > $60 for a lap dance

This one is simple math.  A video game can net you anywhere from 8-100 hours of entertainment. At the highest end that’s approximately $1.60 an hour. Not bad, and some video games can even easily break the 100 hour mark, e.g. Fallout 3 and Just Cause 2.

Now a lap dance will cost the same and last anywhere from 5-10 minutes.  So we’re looking at 6-10 dollars a MINUTE of entertainment.   And rthe fact that it is entertainment is negligible.

Really its more of a bullet train to frustration-land as you are left heading home no more relieved than when you first walked into the place.  In fact, you are quite a bit more sexually frustrated.  It’s like going into a restaurant where they let you smell the food and then immediately pump your stomach of anything you might have eaten earlier in the day before kicking you out into the street.

How can a establishment like this actually function?

Men are stupid.

All your friends can play without that awkward morning afterward

So let’s say that you are out on a drunken night with your buddies, the moon is full, and the crystal was restored just at the moment of the Great Conjunction. And so it happens that you net yourselves a few females for a giant raucous filled orgy. Hey, it happens.  Now there is one thing about having a big orgy where there are a lot of dudes around.  Sure everything is fine when the alcohol and other party supplements are freely flowing through everyone’s libido. The problem occurs the next day when all is crisp and clear as a fresh spring morning.  Usually it goes something like this.

Guy 1: So, uhm, that was certainly something.

Guy2: yeah…I kinda saw your dick

Guy1: yup.

At this point Guy 2 and Guy 1 will not call each other for a few weeks, maybe even a month, and when they finally do no mention of that night will ever be made again.

Doesn’t a night of Mario Kart sound more appealing now?

Video games aren’t fucking nuts.  Strippers are

On top of turning into denizens of all things swampy and putrid when exposed to sunlight, it is also common knowledge that strippers are fucking nuts.  Nuts and/or illiterate. But do not shed a tear for the illiterate stripper. I can guarantee that she will be shedding enough for both of you.  Prone to illicit temper tantrums, crying jags, and all around chaos, strippers are a verifiable mountain of jangled nerves and nonsensical emotion.

Perhaps it’s the late nights, perhaps it is cosmic retribution for preying on the semi-retarded libidos of men, or maybe it’s the self awareness that time will be slowly and cruelly eating away at the one talent the stripper has.  Unlike other professions, time is the enemy of the stripper. Time and gravity. This knowledge of impending doom eats away at the soul as well as the body and mind, leading to frantic 3am phone calls, heavy drug usage and a filled up stamp card for the abortion clinic.

At the end of the night you’re still going to be masturbating anyway

Lets face it, even after all that I’ve listed here there is still one truth that we simply cannot just place by the wayside.  It’s the fact that at the end of the day we’re still going to be masturbating anyway.  So we might as well have a high Gamerscore to show for it.