The 5 Most Cringe Inducing Moments of E3 2010

E3 is a wonderfully intoxicating thing, especially for the gaming workaholic.  Honestly I missed it the moment I boarded the plane to fly home.  Its not all cherries and bubbles however.  Sometimes things don't always go as planned, and unfortunately sometimes they do.  So here is a partial list (meaning what came to my mind first as I drank my third Rum and Coke) of the 5 most cringe inducing moments of E3 2010.

1. Wii failure during Miyamoto Zelda Presentation.

Everyone knew Zelda was coming...at least we wished with all of our being that would be the case.  Imagine our joy when the little Zelda Goblin of happiness, Miyamoto, appeared before our very eyes.  What followed was actually two cringe inducing moments. One followed by vanquishment and then another, the second a long arduous slog which felt like marching through a swamp while wearing shoes made of iron. It was a roller coaster of emotion, of victory and defeat, and only the glowing fairy like eyes and mischievous smile of Miyamoto himself was able to get us through the mire.

At first he appeared like a dancing glyph on the screen. A well made Zelda sword and shield in his hand. As he waxed poetic about wanting the player to feel like they were actually using a sword and shield I looked at Nick Henderson with fear tearing through my eyes. At the time I was convinced...nay I was CERTAIN...that Nintendo was going to release a realistic sword and shield peripheral. The fear coursed through me for two reasons.  The first because of the inanity of it, the sheer silliness to do something so blatantly obnoxious.  The second, because I knew that I would be the first one on line to purchase and then wield such plastic tools of imaginary destruction.  Oh what a nerd I would be then as I cut through the air!  Plastic bending with each stroke as I became a mighty warrior in my underwear!  Or I would....if I wore underwear.  ;-) (That would be a slightly sexual yet creepy Internet wink for those who are not  ghetto-ASCII developed.)

But that fear was obliterated once the sword and shield, through the power of CINEMA, was changed to a Wii remote and nunchuck.  Miyamoto continued the presentation...the gameplay portion began...and things quickly went downhill.

Maybe it was the distance of himself to the Wii. Perhaps it was 800 people trying to tweet, blog, call, text at the same time...but the Wii tracking was failing, and failing hard. As he tried to show off game mechanics the Wii had other things in mind. Things like "shoot arrows either straight into the sky or down into the ground" or "lets make that flying beetle go fucking nuts!"  We all knew that the game mechanics were well thought out and solid, but knowing that such problems would be encountered during a first look at new ZELDA GAMEPLAY made it feel like our hearts were being dissolved slowly by our stomachs.

Miyamoto kept his cool.  He has no other choice since its part of his genetic makeup to spread joy wherever he goes.  In case you don't know, seeing Miyamoto in motion will fill you with enough joy to kill most forms of cancer and cause most type of orgasm.  That is a fact.

2. PC Gaming Booths

E3 is a very busy place. The main booths are crammed with people like a slave ship.  But in the back of the convention hall, past the booth babes and the big names, are the games of yesteryear.  The PC only gaming booths.  They slither in the shadows of the convention, only lightly visited, like that grandmother who smelled too funny to keep home anymore so was sent to the old persons home. You used to visit every weekend. But no more. No more.  Sure...you're just busy.

They are mostly no-name MMORPG's trying desperately so suckle off some of that fine World of Warcraft nectar.  You see them this year...you won't see them next.  You have to have a certain amount of sympathy for these hero's of the past.  PC gaming was once a mecca. But as time has moved on we've all seen the isles of the gaming stores slowly change.  Shelf after shelf of PC games became smaller and smaller as console games encroached slowly, yet steadily, on their territory.  Now, PC games are lucky to get one shelf in your favorite store. And admit it...you stopped looking long ago didn't you.

But they have heart. Like the fat boy who tries to make the team, the PC gaming booths give their all until they are left panting and vomiting behind the bleachers. Far away from the prying eyes of onlookers.

Shed a tear for them...and remember them.  Without them...we would not be here.

3. The Kinect World Premier Event

What can I say? Everything I can say about this event I said here. Other than that I mentioned here that Microsoft was about to have their Giant Enemy Crab moment.  I would like to take this moment to gloat that I was right.

I was right.

In fact, Microsoft did not just have a Giant Enemy Crab moment, they had a Giant Enemy KRAKEN moment.  And that Kraken has a huge dick which fucked each and every person who was witnessing it in the ass.  Are you happy gaming media?  We've all been fucked in the ass by a Kraken.

4. Sim's Head Diamonds.

E3 is supposed to be a Media event, but really anyone can get in if they are willing to do a little work or fork out some dough.  You can pick out these people in two ways. Either they are wearing little "exhibit only" tags, or they have these stupid fucking The Sims diamonds over their heads.  E3, and gaming journalism, is SERIOUS BUSINSS so the amount of cosplaying is usually set to a bare minimum.  That only allowed these people to stand out even more.

Not that I'm against the inspired cosplay. In fact, if a female is fit enough to pull it off then I REQUIRE her to cosplay as much as possible.  However at an event like E3 it just feels wrong.  There I am with a button down shirt on so that Doug Lombardi doesn't think I'm an asshole while he talks to me about Portal 2 and right behind me is someone wearing red wolf ears.  Really?  Save that shit for PAX.  And speaking of which....Ill be at PAX this year.  Fit girls who cosplay?  Call me.

5. The E3 Media Room

4Player Podcast is really still a start up venture. We admit it. As we go along we rend and claw our way through the well formed turbines of gaming industry to bring you content.  I'm not sure how aware people are of how much we sneak into, outright lie, and wear out people in order to get into the places we do. Even at E3.

The invite to E3 is only the first part. Then you have to try to get into the things that are at the place that you tried to get into. That does make sense....read it again.  We don't get called, people would rather NOT talk to us...so we have to make them.  We actually did get an invite to the Nintendo press conference, so we are making headway.  Other than that...its all ninja shit that gets you the content we try to provide, and so far we are extremely successful at it.

However the one place we are designated to is the public E3 Media Room.  People like IGN and Joystiq have their own little swanky cubicle areas, their own WiFi and all sorts of other pleasantries.  We have the E3 Media Room.

The room itself is fitted with about 6 couches, some tables, many outlets and unsecured WiFi. Which means that every person who is standing within 100ft of the room can also access the WiFi. Getting a small article up during the show takes at least 30 minutes.  15 of which are spent reloading the connection.

Sometimes there is coffee but this is ravaged like an altar boy at a Catholic retreat.  The table quickly becomes a mess of beans, dried coffee, torn and overturned cups.  Its a horrific thing to see.  On the last day a woman came in with a cardboard box of cliff bars with the announcement "Does anyone want Cliff bars?"  The scene which unfolded before me was akin to food relief in starving areas of the third world.  I still have nightmares of sludgy "gaming media" plowing over each other, jostling for position to taste the sweet flavor of whatever gruel was put in front of them.  I will never be the same.

The flesh...the awful, putrid flesh.

-Joseph-