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Today, in a small press conference room, packed with critics and reporters, Orson Welles announced that his famous film Citizen Kane, will be recreated.
“After extensive focus testing,” began Welles, “I have found that Citizen Kane just isn’t very fun.” Welles continued on, showing graphs that mathematically displayed the fun arc.
When asked what Welles plans to do to rectify this grave error in judgement, he replied, “Each actor will wear clown wigs, makeup, and outfits but the rest of the movie will remain unchanged.”
Following this profound statement, cheers rang out, the room erupted with hoots and hollers. “Finally, I can sit through Citizen Kane,” shouted one reporter. Another critic exclaimed, “Clowns are the funniest!”
Though one reporter, from The Elephant Daily, only motioned to ask a follow up question, “Aren’t you worried that this will subvert the whole thing?”
Welles then stared blankly, as if that one reporter doesn’t exist.
Comments
14 years, 3 months ago
God damn you Orson Wells! The original was perfect because it was his first big project and it was also revolutionary at the time. If they recreate this, the original could possibly be overlooked in the future. They can't do they thing again. Do you want to destroy your perfect creation, Wells?
14 years, 3 months ago
Damn it, I feel stupid. He's dead.
14 years, 3 months ago
Clowns in Citizen Kane? Twisted metal the movie is coming, oh no. XD
14 years, 3 months ago
[...] voiced which his important movie Citizen Kane, will be recreated.

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14 years, 3 months ago
This article is snarky, cynical and immaturely pessimistic, and I like it a lot. But if I were you, I wouldn;t be bagging on Welles so much as the Welles estate. Welles himself would probably be rolling in his grave if this was a real news story.
...Actually I wonder if Welles could really physically roll in his grave, given that he was the size of an elephant when he died.
14 years, 3 months ago
What is this supposed to be a satire about?
14 years, 3 months ago
I clicked on this because it has a picture of the building I work at as the thumbnail
14 years, 3 months ago
Lmao. What the hell? I did not expect this from you, school. Amusing, regardless.
14 years, 3 months ago
He's obviously talking about some game they're making a sequel for or remake, but I'm not sure what. One of the games that is gonna have basically the same gameplay as its predescssor is FO:NV, but I doubt your talking about that. I was also think of the new Gears, but I don't think you actually care about the series all too much. So, Ben, what is it? I must know!?
14 years, 3 months ago
So this remake will add brown to its greyness right?
14 years, 3 months ago
This is an amazing satire. Orson Welles would be proud for this little piece pessimism. Yet, if he were alive...like Daniel Plainview says, it would be "One hell of a show."
14 years, 3 months ago
i just realized something: this also satires the current audience that only go to theaters to watch simple, idiotic sugar-coated films. to make a film work now a days, you need to be beset within the cynical grasp of un-original, hypocritical, and disgraceful storytelling that appeals to a modern audience to stupid for complexity and originality. if this were a true news report, the reactions, i believe, would be pretty much like stated. yet there will be the "elephants" in the room who digress and hope for a more cultured film community.
cynical film making: the challenge modern and past filmmakers have to face and one, undisputedly, i may have to face in the future.
a sad truth that will bring the 7th art down.