Late to the Crappy Party: Spyro the Dragon

What the fuck is this shit?

I have never been a fan of 3d platformers, but there is a reason I decided to finally try this game. I got a new 4gig stick for my PSP and I respect Insomniac's last generation Ratchet and Clank franchise. Resistance is solid. The ps1 version of Spyro the Dragon was on the PSP store for 5.99 so I decided to pick it up. After all, I heard many good things about this game back in the day. Many compared it in quality to Crash Bandicoot, which was a good series.

What the fuck is this shit???

(edit for clarity: Baby game = 3-5 year age range)

I don't mean to channel Shane B here, but this is a mother fucking baby game. While Crash had some real challenge, Spyro is aimless and full of baby. I wouldn't even call this a fucking platformer. So you run around and collect gems. You can also talk to dragon statues and they come to life and usually say something along the lines of, "Hey Spyro! Collect some more gems!"

And that's it!!! That's all you fucking do!!! WHAT THE FUCK! You run around the same shitty boring worlds just collecting gems. You might occasionally come across a portal to another land and think, "Oh the real game is in these portal worlds. This shit I'm running around in is just a hub world." NO!!! You collect enough gems to go into the world and you end up in another fucking place that looks exactly like the one you are in, and guess what???? YOU COLLECT MORE FUCKING GEMS. WHAT IS THIS SHIT?????

YOU FUCKING GRAPHICS WHORES! YOU BOUGHT THIS SHIT BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT THE GAME LOOKED GRAPHICALLY IMPRESSIVE!!! THIS GAME IS NO MARIO 64 KILLER. MARIO 64 SHITS ALL OVER THIS PIECE OF SHIT (EVEN IF THAT IS FUCKING REDUNDANT). THIS GAME IS EVEN WORSE THAN PRINCE OF PERSIA 2008. I'M SO GLAD I NEVER FUCKING LISTENED TO YOU SPYRO FUCKERS BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I WAS PLAYING XENOGEARS! YOUR FAVORITE PURPLE DRAGON IS A PIECE OF SHIT GEM COLLECTING GEM COLLECTOR. I WAS SAD WHEN INSOMNIAC GAVE UP THE FRANCHISE, BUT NOW I REALIZE THAT SPYRO IS PROBABLY IN BETTER HANDS NOW!!!

And to all fans of this shitty game. I would encourage you to:

1. Go replay this game.
2. Explain to me why you ever liked this baby game.



Brad