As promised, with a touch of WBW

Here is the promised story of my First Grade.... issue without a tissue.

The Divine Comedy
As a child I was quiet and well behaved. I would never cry, never speak unless spoken to, and never do anything silly for attention. I was content being by myself and being normal. I did not want to stick out ever and for any reason. So this day, out of all days, my commitment to being such a kid was pushed to the limits.
First grade, Mrs. Brown, lecture of sorts, twenty minutes before recess, I had to use the restroom… bad. The rules are simple if you need to go to the restroom, put two fingers up when you raise your hand. The teacher, knowing that you are a child and can’t really control your bodily functions, should let you go without much question. They are able to keep a pretty good eye on you for the restroom is in the room even! Unfortunately for me, this day in particular Mrs. Brown thought I was older than I really was. What she didn’t really understand about me was I would not put my fingers up unless I honest to god had to go to the restroom. Its embarrassing enough showing the whole world you are about to go do something in the restroom. Well I braved it.
So I put my fingers up, expecting the answer that any sensible teacher of children under ten would give.
“No Travis, you can wait twenty minutes.” She said to me, thinking she was taking a stand against your stereotypical child trying to get out of class. Well my thoughts went a little something like this, “But….. ok.”
Like I said, I didn’t want to stand out in any shape or form when I was a kid. To do so would assure me the pleasure of being called some silly name which might stick for a whole recess! The consequences would undoubtedly be horrible.
So I wait ten minutes, and now I know that I not just have to go, but need to go. Now. There wasn’t any other option in my mind. If I didn’t go in the next thirty seconds something seriously bad would happen. So I raised my hand.
“Travis I said no.”
Big mistake. I knew what was going to happen and it was happening now.
I, for the lack of a better word to describe such a situation, Shit My Britches. I did so quietly and without a change of facial expression. I knew how to do my business, for when you are a kid who is forced to use stalls when you have to go number two, you will never ever let that evil come out of you if you know someone else will hear it. Once again, the consequences would undoubtedly be horrible.
Oh! If could of only waited ten more minutes. The bell rang and I went to the restroom to inspect the damage. Pants down, pants up. I was not going to even bother. I left that restroom scared, literally, shitless. I knew what I smelled like, what I looked like, and how foolish the back of my pants probably seemed. I sat back down in my seat and was going to wait out recess.
“Travis go outside.”
“Yes mam”
If only I could have, just this once, said no. Well I was a kid, I didn’t understand. Yes the room was empty and I could trust my teacher to take care of the situation appropriately. How was I supposed to know that? Why would I even show her!? Never in a million years. I went to recess.
Recess was dull. I sat the whole time, never letting anyone see my back side or come in smelling distance. I would have never been able to live that down. People don’t forget. Recess ends and finally the dripping stops (by the way, that’s even nasty to write. Sorry.). I could now sit down somewhat comfortably. I went on the rest of the day like this, occasionally getting nasty looks, but without anything seriously life changing happening to me and my buttocks.
It’s the end of the day! Finally, the never ending itch that is my cheek will end soon enough. I can go home and take care of business. Only have music class left and we will probably play those stupid recorders that no one ever actually plays outside of third grade. Of course the day wouldn’t end like this though. What good would this story be if I didn’t have one more problem?
Before I describe the class straight from Satan himself, I want to make a quick note. While we were walking through the halls in our single file line, in which of course I was way, way, way in the back, we walked past a cute brunette. I do not remember who she was or ever seeing her again. I do remember though what she did to me. She bent down to tie her shoe, and as we walked past I looked back. She was cute and I have always been into girls, even at the tender age of 7. As I looked back our eyes met! It was a magic in which I could never have created otherwise. As soon as I smiled in gratitude for her gracing me with her smile… she, almost casually, raised her right hand and flipped me the bird. I was stricken with fear as I walked into my music room, still staring at her sweet, little surprise. I knew this class was going to be bad.
Today the gym teacher was in the music room. I could almost feel my cheeks begin to rub together in agony. We got into lines, and as I walked towards the very back of the room I hoped we were just going to do some simple stretches.
Nope, today we do jazzercise. I specifically remember using this very same phrase in my thoughts, “What the hell God!?” So we jam out to some music, doing steps and what not. I am fine because we really don’t have to move too much. We are just kids and they can’t expect me to really want to break a sweat. Everything was going smoothly until the music teacher took all the steps away.
Time for jumping jacks. You have to be kidding me. I was scared for my life, literally. There was no way I could get away with this. Someone will have to notice the way my ass moves slightly different than every other tiny little seven year olds. We began, and I could feel the giant being in my pants being suspended in midair as I jumped up and down. My heart was racing. I could have sworn you could hear the whoosh of my tiny, brown issue breaking air as it moved. I was going to get caught.
“Ok now everyone turn around!”
Excuse me? I am sorry; I don’t think I heard what you said… exactly. Do what? She said turn around. Well now this is where I take a stand. I will never turn around for twenty of my peers to look at me and the stain that is my broken heart. Too bad, so sad. Everyone turns around to look at me, but they only see my face for I will never show my dark side. The teacher begins to tell me to turn, the students tell me to turn, my good nature tells me to turn. But the saint that is my conscious told me to screw that and keep my dignity. I listened to him.
Thank God the bell rang. Everyone walks out to go back to home room to get their bags. Single filed line. I am last of course, and also the only one sweating. I get behind a boy named Luke Noxon. We walk about twenty feet while I am thinking, “I made it? No one knows? I’m free!”
And then, without any reason behind it or anything, Luke turns around.
“Dude… Did you shit your pants?”


(If that story is at all odd in terms of Paragraph structure, its the fault of blogspot.)

Also, WayBack wednesday tomorrow. Not sure when, so stay tuned all day till I get there.

We will be playing Shenmue most importantly, with a side dish of Strangers Wrath.

Hope to see you there!

-Travis