Please Put Your Affairs in Order, Dear Readers: I'm Going to Have to Kill Some of You

The following is a message from one of the fine folks here at 4Player Towers.

My wonderful, wonderful audience,

It is with great remorse that I write to you this fine Sunday with such grim tidings.  I'm afraid that, the moment this piece is posted on the site, I will be forced to hunt some of you down and murder you in some unspeakably cruel, violent manner.  Please do not attempt to resist.  After all, it was your actions that brought this fate upon you.  Just go ahead and contact your family attorney so you can update your wills: it'd be for the best.

For the uninitiated allow me to rewind the clock to late Friday afternoon.  On what was supposed to be the start of a glorious weekend the Guinness Book of World Records decided to publish a press release.  Guinness, for their 2012 version of the BOWR Gaming Edition, had included a "Greatest Video Game Ending" category upon which 13,519 people voted.  The list contains some fine titles, to be sure, but what will cause me to begin my murderous journey across the world is the selection made for the winner.  Of the tens of thousands of games published since Pong was first released to the public in 1975 across over a dozen successful platforms and nearly forty years of gaming, the majority of 13,519 participants voted Call of Duty Black Ops to have the greatest ending to any video game ever made.

With all the goodness in my heart and all the best intentions for the world forefront in my mind the only question that I could bring myself to ponder was this:

Are you fucking kidding me?

Call of Duty Black Ops, one of the biggest selling titles of this generation, was given the title of Greatest Video Game Ending.  As those words entered my eyes, were processed into electrical signals both hemispheres of my brain could interpret and all but permanently etched into my memory I couldn't help but have the strangest look of confusion on my face for roughly ten seconds.  Shortly after that I felt a wet sensation coming from my upper lip and it was at that point that I learned that I had a nose bleed.  As the copper taste entered my mouth a chain reaction occurred in a manner almost chaotic in nature and relation as the pituitary gland of my brain released what is known as adrenocorticotropic hormones.  This, in turn, caused me to enter a state of rage unlike any other time in my life, an emotional state that would have driven me to beat anyone in the room to death with the most convenient blunt object I could get my hands on.  Luckily nobody was at home at the time other than myself so their lives were spared.  Yours, my dear reader, may not be.

As a writer I've made it clear time and time again that story is the most important aspect of a game for me.  If the game has a narrative that goes beyond a paragraph and a few pieces of dialog then this aspect is catapulted to the top of my list of "important parts of the game".  Characters, events, actions: they all become priority when determine a game's worth to me.  Sure, gameplay is important but, if a game has the promise to shock, enthuse, sadden or otherwise draw emotion from me in any way, I feel it necessary to not only write about whether it did so successfully first when I review it I also must make it at least a quarter if not a third of the overall value of the game.  I hope you understand then why my body decided to react in such a violent, dangerous way when I read those words.

To be fair in these proceedings allow me to show you just why the majority of 13,519 people voted Call of Duty Black Ops to be the titular narrative across four decades of digital interactive entertainment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsWjsHgY0Tc

Now, I will give Treyarch the benefit of knowing that I thought this was probably one of the better stories in the Call of Duty franchise.  It had a nice plot twist, an enjoyable villain and it, overall, tickled my fancy for being about one of my favorite time periods in history: the Cold War.  What it is not, however, is an excellent narrative, nor can it be legally allowed within five hundred yards of anything resembling exceptional.  And yet the strongest voice of over ten thousand voters decided that this, of all games, was the penultimate source for the greatest ending in the history of our medium.  It is also this, my friend, that may cost you any hopes of having children, seeing retirement or even so much as putting your hands on what are sure to be excellent stories like Bioshock Infinite and Half-Life 3.

Allow me to be clear once and for all: the Call of Duty series isn't about epic stories, great characters and majestic adventures.  No, it's about the moment.  Finding yourself in exceptional, hostile situations, giving you the weapons necessary to extinguish thousands of enemies in a variety of manners, killing the bad guy and saving the world.  That's what you have done and will continue to do in every single Call of Duty title released since Modern Warfare 1 in 2007.  It's fun.  It's campy.  But it's not exceptional storytelling.

This, readers, is why at least a three digit number of people have to die.  It will be Darwinism in action as I bring about merciless, justified murder as, for our species to survive and continue on, we can't have these "minds" continuing to exist.  Mathematically, some of these people will run for office some day.  Are you willing to risk that?  I'm not.

I highly encourage you to read through the top 50 list Guinness compiled at their site should you need further proof as to why justice must be done.  To be certain at least those who chose Black Ops as the dominant title must be exterminated but there are plenty more candidates for culling if you read it.  After all, FOUR Call of Duty titles appear on the list accompanied by such "amazing" titles as Gears of War 2, Sonic The Hedgehog and (this one really surprised me) Assassin's Creed.  Great games, to be sure, but definitely not worthy of being considered to be among the greats in game endings.

Now, there are those of you out there that, had you known about this poll, you'd have participated and also voted for a Call of Duty title.  Don't look shocked, I understand.  Since you didn't vote I'm not going to have to end your life so you can put down that phone and stop dialing your lawyer.  I like to think of myself as a generous person so please take with you the chance to change your life for the better.  As you begin to prepare for the first day of the rest of your life though allow me to impart upon you some suggestions to look into should you be pondering to yourself just what is an exceptional ending to a game.

The following titles are in no particular order of significance but have touched my transcended, beautiful mind with their stories and their subsequent excellent endings.

The Darkness

The sequel to Starbreeze's game from 2007 arrived this week and while our review isn't up just yet I always enjoy talking about it when it comes up in conversation.  The Darkness is easily one of my favorite games of this generation if not the past decade for its fun, exciting gameplay, excellent characters and for having what I believe to be the best romance in the history of video games.  A bold claim, I know, but consider the facts.

You play as Jackie Estacado, a mafia hitman who, on the night of his 21st birthday, is nearly murdered by his paranoid Uncle Pauly who happens to be the head of the Franchetti crime family.  After narrowly escaping a C4 surprise you are endowed with the powers of the Darkness, a sentient parasitic entity from before recorded history.  Using it to your advantage you seek to free yourself of Uncle Pauly's hit order.  That is until Pauly crosses a line only the desperate and insane would cross: killing your girlfriend Jenny right before your eyes.  With nothing left to lose you embark on a mission to take revenge on Pauly that takes you from this world to a nightmarish other-world and back twice.  I think we are safely beyond the statute of limitations when it comes to spoilers on this one so allow me to show you the game's ending.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zN1zIo7JhOQ

Suffice it to say your character, who has nothing left to lose but his soul, sacrifices himself to end the evil reign of Pauly.  As he is enveloped by the Darkness, Jackie finds himself on a park bench with the love of his life who died before his eyes.  They are given a single moment to say their goodbyes at which Jackie confesses his remorse at her loss only to have her refuse to forgive him as he wasn't responsible for her murder.  The camera pulls away as they share their silent moment, Jenny's sad piano theme and the wind being the only things you can hear.  As the camera stops as well as the music Jackie asks Jenny if he's dreaming to which Jenny says "yes."  As she tells him he needs to wake up the tendrils of the Darkness seize the screen and the credits roll.

I won't lie when I say I cried watching that scene.  It was a fantastic ending that neither needed nor pandered for an immediate sequel.  The character, for all intents and purposes, had come to an end and the story had concluded.  It was simply beautiful and I doubt anyone out there can claim that this wasn't masterful storytelling.

Dead Space 2

A more recent title with a fantastic ending that isn't on the list is also my Game of the Year for 2011: Dead Space 2.  The first game was a wonderful thrill ride of horror whose incredible sound design and excellent gameplay had me on the edge of my seat the entire time.  Its followup title however was, astonishingly, a magnitude of order better.  Your character, Isaac Clarke, had a voice now, was in an even more dangerous situation than he was in on the USG Ishimura, and was actively being haunted by his dead girlfriend Nicole.  Clarke journeyed through the Sprawl, eventually discovered why he was there and ended the threat.

Here's the ending for your consideration.  Please consider the paragraph beyond the video to be prime spoiler territory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Idk0yR9qDNg

After having been betrayed by Nicole and subsequently destroying the Black Marker, Isaac removes the helmet of his suit and sits down on the ground.  Sirens blare in the background and an automated voice speaks foreboding words of doom to its absent audience but Isaac knows he can't escape.  As a sad cello plays and the credits begin to roll, Isaac places his head between his legs and accepts his fate.  In a shocking moment that would have made many choke on their beverage, his inadvertent partner Ellie calls him up and barely manages to rescue him from certain death.  Sitting in the cockpit, Isaac sighs in relief, glad to be alive only the realize something: his circumstances are almost exactly like what happened to him on Aegis VII just after the Red Marker was destroyed, his last full memory before waking up on the Sprawl.  He cautiously turns his head to the right only instead of being attacked by Nicole once again a curious Ellie replies "what?"

The ending for Dead Space 2 is simply wonderful.  Not only do we have tasteful post-credits sequel maneuvering, we also have a slight twist of an ending that all but spelled doom for our main character only for him to be rescued at the last second all with a nice homage to the first game's ending to boot.  This all occurs in a satisfying, edge of your seat manner that simply enthralled me.  Many games can try to have such a great ending but few can ever achieve the level of entertainment Dead Space 2 brought to the table.

Mass Effect 2

Bioware used to be known for crafting a masterful tale.  They stumbled this past year with Dragon Age 2 but there's still the possibility that this was just a fluke and that they can deliver an exceptional conclusion to a science fiction epic that millions have loved.  Though many have fair complaints to be made about the game's change in gameplay focus, I found Mass Effect 2 to be one of the best games of 2010 and so did almost every gaming news outlet out there.  Mass Effect 1 is on the list but Mass Effect 2 isn't which, to me, is a supreme debacle.  The first game in the series was a great introduction to the universe Bioware was crafting and its satisfying ending was, well, just that.  Its sequel on the other hand was remarkably different in tone and statement.  Whereas the first title was about exploring a galaxy and unraveling a mystery, Mass Effect 2 was about preparing for war against an enemy whose odds were impossibly in their favor.

The tone of Mass Effect 2's marketing fully carried over to the overall gameplay experience: you were going on a suicide mission and you have to recruit the best in hopes of accomplishing it.  The ending itself was far more exciting than the first however as not only did it seem to have larger consequences than that of the first game, it also was one that could vary an incredible amount going from player to player.  A careful, smart Sheppard could save his crew, his teammates and escape from the Collector base at the praise or admonishment of the Illusive Man.  Another however could go so far as to kill the entire crew and even Sheppard himself!  Whatever the ending, it all came down to the same thing: when your character stares out the side of your torn apart Normandy into the stars, something is staring back.  War is coming and the fight for the survival of all life in the galaxy is but a sequel away.

Here is my my ending on got on my first playthrough of Mass Effect 2 long before I joined 4Player.  I went back and played through it again (something I never do in an RPG) to fix some issues I had early on on Insanity mode.  If that doesn't demonstrate how much I enjoyed this game's story and ending, I dunno what will.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wohusH53nd4

So, there you have it.  Those three games alone can tell a better story in five minutes than any Call of Duty title to date could do in a five hour campaign.  Again, I must reiterate the fact that I love the Call of Duty series.  I have issue though with the 13,519 people who decided to vote for it's Black Ops iteration for having the best ending of all time.  This mistake in judgement is unacceptable and in lesser societies the people responsible for this travesty would be beaten, tortured and subsequently hung by the neck until dead.  I however will not act like that as I consider myself civilized.

For those responsible: I don't know who you are or what drove you to this madness.  If you were looking to incite chaos I can tell you that I don't have an understanding as to why you voted how you did.  What I do have though is taste; taste I have developed over a long gaming career.  Taste that can make you look like an uneducated tart.  If you give me your address now I will make your murder quick and painless and that'll be the end of it.  I will not look for you, I will not pursue you.  But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make you suffer.

 

Sincerely yours,
Chris Davis
4Player Podcast

PS: Attention government officials and the FAA: please don't no-fly list me.  I'd really rather not end up like those British guys who tweeted about LA before being denied entry to the US.  If you can't tell, this is satire, not justification for (much deserved) mass murder.