Dear Mario,

We've been friends for almost my entire life.  I guess you can say that we grew up together. You've been a defining part of some of my earliest memories...you were just...always there.  It’s funny but, thinking about it, I simply cannot recall a moment of my life when I didn't know you.  I think that’s probably why its hard for me to write this letter to you.  Honestly, I don't want to put anything we have together in jeopardy.  There is just so much history there, so much…dare I say, love.  But I find that recently I have become more and more worried about you.  I've seen you change over the years and not in a good way.  I know this might be awful to hear coming from me, but you're simply not the same person I once knew.  Not the same person with whom I created those memories I spoke of.  The ones that are just so precious to me.

I don't want to lose focus here. I don't want to get too emotional so let me start at the beginning.  I know you're not ignorant, and you know where I'm going to begin.

It all started with that woman.

Believe me man, I know what you're going through. She is beautiful.  I know what its like to feel that incarnate pull of primordial chemistry.  When you don't even know why you are drawn to the person, when you cannot even put it in words.  All you know is that you need to be with them, need to be near them. And there is no chasm too deep, nor sky too high, which would keep you from them.  It’s that moment when they show up unexpectedly in the same place you are, and your heart feels like it weighs about a thousand pounds and has also somehow found its way into the back of your throat.  Its when you wake up next to them while they are still sleeping, and you can't believe that you are laying next to the most beautiful person in the world.  I know...truly.

But there is something about that type of chemistry Mario.  It is as inexplicable as it is illogical and those pulls of chemistry don't always pull both ways.  Though I know you try so hard, wrack your brain to attempt to discover that one thing you can do to make it all ok.  I know from experience that love is a horrifically temperamental beast.  I've been watching you try to tame it for my entire life now.  I'm sorry Mario, but it has wrecked you...it has turned you.

I remember that day she first disappeared.  I remember how frantic you were.  You were running around trying to prepare yourself to save her, there really wasn't much I could do.  You refused to call the police and decided to go after her yourself.  I can respect that and thankfully it all turned out alright.  But then it happened again, and you had to go further to get her back.  And then again....and again.  At first it was ok I suppose, you weren't putting yourself in any serious danger at the beginning.  Maybe a little lava but your work as a plumber had prepared you for those type of subterranean obstacles.  Honestly, I never really worried much about you in those earlier years.

But as she kept on leaving, kept on disappearing...whatever she likes to call "Kidnapped" I saw you getting into more serious situations. Not only that, I saw you getting angrier.  Getting meaner.  I know you probably don't even realize it.  You started off just knocking over mushrooms and turtles.  But then you started setting them on fire.  Then you started destroying air ships...and now Mario...now you are destroying entire worlds.  What, happened to you?

And the cosplay...the cosplay has just gotten out of hand.  Now I can't even hang out with you without worrying if you're going to show up as a fox, or a rock, or a cloud?  Seriously I think this is some latent sexual acting out in response to you internalizing your anger regarding this situation.  She's driving you fucking nuts and, honestly, I really think that she know's exactly what she's doing.

You're going to hate me, I know it, but I think that she is nothing more than an attention whore.  The always disappearing, the never ruling...and it always just seems to happen whenever she might think you haven't called her enough.  But there is more to that Mario.  I want you to open your eyes and hear these words.

I'm absolutely positive that she's fucking Luigi.

She sends you on these escapades, through torment and apocalypse, and have you ever noticed that he is always there bright eyed and laughing?  Never concerned. Just laughing. Not only that Mario, but I also found this...


I’m so sorry.

You can come back from this though, I’ll help you. We’ll get that plumbing business back up, get those clients back. I’ll do what I can to help you through this, just so long as I get the old Mario back.  Call me if you want to talk.

-Joseph-

Comments

  • Avatar
    apolloagent47
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Joseph, I am truly glad you are apart of 4player Podcast .

  • Avatar
    Csheroe
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Poor Mario, that Peach was always slutty...

  • Avatar
    Rich McGilvray
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Simply amazing.

  • Avatar
    Victus Unus
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Great article.

  • Avatar
    RedUnit10
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Peach never looked better.

  • Avatar
    Dimensaur
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Not to mention Mario, she's always making you cakes. Why do you think she does this? She's only trying to fatten you up so you can't chase her when she runs off with your brother and a troop of mushroom shaped gimps. Mario, you need to open your eyes and see the truth. What about giving Paulene a call? Remember her? I heard Daisy has eyes for you too. You'll be ok Mario, you just have to rise above. It could be worse, you could have ended up like that Sonic fellow.

    On a serious note, this is one of the funniest things I've read in a while. Great job Joseph.

  • Avatar
    Mufasagoose
    13 years, 8 months ago

    This letter was written from the heart.

  • Avatar
    vtec2slo
    13 years, 8 months ago

    *cues up jimmy Kimmel song writing note music*
    Dear Mario, you were always trying save to peach. But in the end it didn't work.

  • Avatar
    Scrunchy
    13 years, 8 months ago

    I teared up. This was truly one of the most heart touching things I have ever read and I applaud you for it.

  • Avatar
    Zeranium
    13 years, 8 months ago

    I think a tear ran down my cheek.
    Thank you, Mr. Christ.

  • Avatar
    Will Dearborn
    13 years, 8 months ago

    "I'm-a so sorry."

  • Avatar
    aptom
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Thats a sweet post joepsh and you got me thinking the Mario series should create a game where you controller the armies of a specific faction in mushroom kingdom to dominate or bring peace to the entire area. That would be bad ass mario fucking general style

  • Avatar
    Hegs94
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Brilliant Joseph, just brilliant.

  • Avatar
    inthenameofharmon
    13 years, 8 months ago

    I felt like Mario was just enjoying having to save her since he never bothered to lock the woman up or hire guards or make a special defense system. I can understand that after the first 2 times that you wouldn't expect Bowser to come back from the dead but now it's like COME ON! and Bowser, dude ya gotta move on. You're not gunna rule the mushroom kingdom by kidnapping and not killing the princess. I mean if the communist movement in russia was just kidnapping Anastasia and her family we wouldn't have had communism, or a fun musical movie

  • Avatar
    FPDragoon
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Haha, totally thought this article was going to be about something else when I first started reading it. Glad it wasn't, though! Plus, I seem to recall Joseph mentioning in chat that he was in a bar and drunk when he started writing this, so that just makes it even better.

  • Avatar
    StiffyMcGee
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Very cool, Joseph.

  • Avatar
    Shotokanguy
    13 years, 8 months ago

    For a second I thought you were saying Peach IS Luigi. I got confused there...

  • Avatar
    Sinisi
    13 years, 8 months ago

    We have to "have a conversation" with Luigi, for Mario.
    lol

  • Avatar
    The_Australian_Ashman
    13 years, 8 months ago

    That was the single greatest thing I've ever read.

    Thank-you so very, very much, Joseph.

  • Avatar
    DutchMeat
    13 years, 8 months ago

    That was awesome Joseph, made my day.

  • Avatar
    Oreo
    13 years, 8 months ago

    It's no "Women my heart goes out to," but definitely enjoyable. Nice job.

  • Avatar
    Epiphone
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Mr Christ you have the Writing skills of Shakespeare and More soul than a Ray Charles Song. I hope that Mario Sees what Love (or Cross Dressing on the Part Of Luigi) can do to a mere Man. Go back to Joseph Mario, those Mushrooms Just aint worth it.

  • Avatar
    Delta_03
    13 years, 8 months ago

    wow, it started off really beautifully written and then suddenly spiralled out of control and it was hilarious and you know what Joseph.. I loved it, thank god you joined 4PP :D

  • Avatar
    Calam1tous
    13 years, 8 months ago

    Joseph, were you drinking at the bar while typing this?

  • Avatar
    NataliePlz
    13 years, 8 months ago

    This is fantastic work.

  • Avatar
    zzman305
    13 years, 8 months ago

    That was funny.

    What...? not all comments have to be complex....

  • Avatar
    SomethingSnappy
    13 years, 8 months ago

    ahh poor mario